Apparently Christmas miracles DO happen, because December 18th is Free Shipping Day.
Just order shit from Bloomingdale's, Macy's, Crate & Barrel, Endless.com, Nordstrom, Sur La Table, Target, Zappos, and more on December 18th, and your stuff ships free and it's guaranteed to get there by Christmas Eve (or, just "Wednesday night," if you don't celebrate His Birthday).
Also, December 18th is Christina Aguilera's birthday, so if you buy her something, you can ship it for free!
UPDATE: Amazon is no longer participating, but December 18th is STILL Christina Aguilera's birthday!