American Apparel Sinks to Previously Unimaginable New Lows With Assiest Ad Yet

I was glancing at a blog at the UNGODLY hour of 10am today (refer to the time stamp for authenticity) and I was attacked by an unanticipated ocular assault -- fucking pressed ham all up on my Dell flat screen in this most vile (though unsurprising, of course) American Apparel ad for thongs. WE ALL KNOW WHAT THONGS LOOK LIKE. WE DON'T NEED YET ANOTHER GRATUITOUS AMERICAN APPAREL ASS SHOT! And no, throwing in the words "organic" in irritating, pandering fucking green at the bottom doesn't excuse it. If I wanted that much ass up in my face, I'd lick an issue of Hustler. Or just watch an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Ugh.

Again, do yourself a favor and get your solid tees at Alternative Apparel. No ifs, ands, or butts.

Oh yeah -- check out the search term in the search field. All in a day's work! Major cancer-research type stuff over here!

Escape to Cuters Beach

I'm headed out on a starter vacay tomorrow -- I really should be packing and not playing around. And while I'm not going to the beach (nay, definitely not -- I'm off to sandy Kalamazoo... jealous?), here's my fantasy packing list of stuff I'd like to be bringing with me were I off to a weeklong trip to the beach and not getting up at 5 a.m. for a three-day trip to the Midwest:

($168, Letarte, Canyonbeachwear.com)

Such a suit. Letarte makes great suits. This safari bikini is supercute and not too overkill with the jungle theme.

($156, Letarte, Couturecandy.com)

Another cute Letarte. Reminds me of Shoshanna's bikinis.

($187, Serfontaine, WinkNYC.com)

These are sort of ridiculous, but they're so soft and comfy-looking and would be so cute with a beachy tank.

($30.50, Alloy)

So old-school they're almost great. Very Mary-Kate Olsen, according to Chicago JP. True!

($35, Alternative Apparel)

Buttery soft heather cropped pants, perfect for pulling on and lounging around after you've taken your post-beach shower. Also, I cannot say enough good things about Alternative Apparel -- their fit and feel are fantastic, and they're not headed by an evil, mustachioed porn-faced CEO! Yay!

($112, Peter Jensen, Gargyle)

More Southampton than South Padre.

($595, Loeffler Randall, ActiveEndeavors.com)

I'm not the type to wear heels with shorts and a bikini top, but if I wear, these would be the perfect pair for that sort of ridiculous posturing that really only happens in movies and magazines, I hope.

($75, Shopintuition.com)

Super cute beachy-prep bowling bag.

($68, Brooklyn Industries)

Not beachy per se, but super fun. Brooklyn Industries has gotten cuter! The first one reminds me of Paul's Boutique.

($70, Boost, Urban Outfitters)

Suuuuuuuper fun, suuuuuper summery cute headphones... to go in your beach bag.

($1.29, Biocare Labs)

The site is pure crap, but trust me -- this lip balm is the best. Doesn't do that gross thing where it makes you thirsty in the back of your throat. Okay -- time to pack my ACTUAL, real-life items. Nitey!